I am totally my mother's daughter.

The examples are endless, from my taste in decor to my ability to show my distaste in a single look. My dark sense of humor? Hers. Ever wonder where I get my gypsy powers from...yep her again. So it only makes sense that I would share her love and obsession with The Royal Family.

That's right, those Brits are fascinating to us. We can't get enough of it. The fashion, the scandel, and especially the weddings.

Let me take you back in time to the year 1981.The wedding of Prince Charles to Lady Diana. It was the wedding of the century or something like that. Everyone was super excited and wanted to watch it. My mother purchases a $300 used VCR to record the festivities. Because VCR's weren't a household staple yet my parents slept that night with the TV on as well as the volume because they weren't sure if it needed to be like that to record. I have seen that wedding a gazillion times because my mother had that tape.

Back to present day. Prince William is finally going to marry Kate Middleton. I am super excited, as are my girlfriends for a new royal wedding. I started planning my royal wedding party/sleepover to watch it live. It was going to be super fun.

Then they announced the date of the wedding. April 29th.

April 29th...meaning April 30th is the next day.

April 30th is the BFF's wedding date.

Why is the universe punishing me??????? How can I possibly have my royal wedding watching party/sleepover at 3 in the morning and then get up and help my best friend get married? I can't. It's just not fair. I think that someone needs to change the day they get married, and my BFF has had her date set for about 10 months now, so I don't think it should have to be her...I'm just saying...

Well, at least in this day and age we have DVR.

It's been a little while since I've blogged, and I have a beehive full of thoughts or things to talk about, but I cannot focus very well to make anything of them. Until then I thought a little q&a might help me get abck into the swing of things...

1- When was the last time you cried?
last night, I experienced my first migraine.

2- Have you ever faked being sick?
the last time I did it was to go to an interview for my current job, and I had a panic attack from lying. I don't like to lie about things like that.

3- What was the last lie you told?
I don't lie...but I will avoid the question.

4- Have you ever cried during a movie?
ever since All Dogs Go To Heaven when I was six years old...just cried at Harry Potter the other day, and I think the best is The Blind Side...I started crying even before the movie started, which my friends were quick to make fun of me for :)

5- Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?
Harry Potter himself...

6- Have you ever danced in the rain?
no, I have expensive shoes, but I'm not saying I never will...

7- Have you ever been drunk?
drunk off life...oh, you mean like the moonshine? Yeah.

8- Have you ever tried drugs?
nothing man made.

9- Do you smoke?
cigarettes and I have a love/hate relationship. I would love to be able to smoke, but I want other things more.

10- What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?
I don't think anyone has ever dared me to do anything...quick! someone double dog dare me, then I will know what the answer is.

11- What is your full name?
EAC

12- What is your blood type?
I have no clue.

13- Have you ever been in a car accident?
yes

14- How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?
14

15- Who was your first kiss?
some dude

16- Have you ever had an online relationship?
with ebay

17- Do you believe in karma?
I think that our energy is put out into the world, so either negative or positive energy will surround you depending on whether you are a positive person or a negative person. I feel that when you are being your personal best that you will be blessed for it.

18- How would you describe yourself?
loyal, outgoing, happy, hardworking, intuitive.

19- What are you afraid of?
spiders, rodents, robots taking over the world.

20- Are you religious?
please see name of blog for this one

21- Do you play any instruments?
the piano, and I attempt to whistle.

22- What kind of music do you like?
I pretty much like it all. My ipod library is super eclectic...I'm pretty much always in the mood to rock Queen.

23- How many piercings do you have?
that I currently use, 2. That I have holes to show for, 10.

24- Who makes you laugh?
my dad, watching The Office, Hello Kitty when she does her Who Let The Dogs Out dance.

25- Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
ok, so I'm going to have to go with Jennifer Aniston on this one, because I know that we would become best friends. But not BFF's. I wouldn't replace my current one, even for Jennifer Aniston. That's LOYALTY.

26- Who do you have a crush on?
George W Bush.

27- Have you ever seen a dead body?
yes

28- What happens when you die?
that all depends on what you do here.

29- What sterotype would you label yourself as being?
I look preppy/conservative.

30- If you could go back to one point in time in your life where would you go?
I would never have smoked that first cigarette.

31- Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?
that depends, if it's something the person could change in an instant I would tell them the truth, but other than that I hate to be the one to burst someone's bubble unless they are a close person to me, and they are ok with the raw honest truth.

32- What do you want your friends to think about you?
I want them to know that I try my best everyday.

33- What is the biggest arguement you've ever gotten into?
I remember getting into huge arguements with my parents when I was a teenager, all over stupid stuff. Sorry mom and dad.

34- Have you ever bitten anyone?
yes

35- Have you ever stolen anything?
ONE thing...BFF knows what's up, all I'm going to say is icecream cones.

36- Do you remember your dreams?
only the gypsy ones.

37- Is your best friend a virgin?
BAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! I wouldn't know :)

38-What is your favorite book?
The Catcher in the Rye

39- Do you have a collection of anything?
shot glasses.

40- How do you feel at this exact moment?
brilliant

FYI why I have not posted anything in recent weeks...my free WiFi went away a month ago. It was very sudden and I took it hard. I have finally decided to move on and have signed up for AT&T Uverse internet and cable. And because I am so good at accessorizing I purchased a flat screen TV and blueray player to go along with my new found cable.

So more on life and such later. I hope everyone has a super safe halloween :)

My dad and I went to the State Fair, we like to go every year together to partake in all the sight-seeing and eating. What I mean is, we like to look at all the info-mertial like booths and eat fat on a stick. Why else would we go to the Trashy People Mecca of California?

While we were looking at the booths we passed the Democatic Party Booth. They had a cutout of Obama. My dad and I almost peed our pants, and I told my dad to stand next to him so I could get a picture. My dad gave me his blackberry, and I took one, and it came out all blurry like the photos in that movie The Ring when someone is going to die, then I took another one and the same thing happend. Well, my dad didn't want to wait around for a third try and frankly neither did I. I was worried that someone might mistake us for actual Obama supporters. So we went on our way. About 5 minutes later we landed ourselves at the Republican Party Booth....f the democrat donkey booth, ours had TWO lifesize cutouts. One of Ronald Reagan, who everyone knows is my all-time favorite president ever, and the other one of Sarah Palin. So we decided to put my dad in the middle of them and try again with the picture. This one turned out great, but I couldn't help but laugh because even though I am 90% Republican, my dad, Mr GOP himself looked as if he was actually taking a picture with the REAL Palin and Reagan. Bless his heart, but more importantly, God Bless the United States of America.

Oh shit....I think I'm addicted to EBAY.

Damn it!!

End Online » Guy Claims He Is In Twilight

End Online » Guy Claims He Is In Twilight

Video Killed the Radio Star

Ok, so I wasn't going to talk about this because frankly I'm slightly embarrassed that I did this, but eh, who am I kidding? I do a lot of embarrassing things.

I called into a radio station this morning.

There, I said it...I know so dumb right?

WRONG

****WARNING!!! I AM ABOUT TO GET ON MY SOAPBOX SOON. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ME FROM OH SO HIGH ON MY LOVELY SOAPBOX THAN JUST GO WATCH THE LINK OF THE HARRY POTTER PREVIEW AGAIN AND STOP READING NOW.****

I swear I am not the type to usually do something like this, but I could not help it. It all started with me getting into my car at 7:30am to drive in traffic for an hour just to get to work. I usually listen to Sarah and Vinnie in the morning because they are awesome, but this morning my radio was already on another station when I got into the car so I got sucked in. But seriously, listen to Sarah and Vinnie, 97.3...so funny!

I guess this station does confession thursday or something but they had this 20 year old guy on the show who said that he lied to women about being an extra in the movie Twilight and that he had basically nailed 3 chicks and (in his own words) "A Twilight Mom" But then the Twilight Mom calls in! Her name is Nancy and she says that she's pretty sure she's the mom he is refering to because how many other guys in the Sacramento area are out there claiming to be an extra in the Twilight movie? My guess, I'd say none before today, but probably a good handful now that this guy was on the radio talking about his lame way of getting laid.

So Nancy goes on to say that she feels "sick to her stomach" and is "pissed" that this little douche bag lied to her. She explains that she had met the guy through her daughter, and that she was 40 years old.

This is when I get irritated enough to reach for my phone. I was risking a cell phone ticket for driving while talking on the phone to comment on this dumb broad, that's how upset I was!

I didn't say too much on the actual radio, I'm trying to calm it down a bit. First I will tell you what my conversation was like on-air and then I will go on into more detail about how I really feel about Nancy, and as I go to sleep tonight I will pray that somehow Nancy finds my blog and actually reads what I have to say about her pathetic ass.

Ok, so basically what I said on the air was that I thought Nancy was not cool, that she is a mom and how gross is she. Her daughter introduced her to the guy, and that my mom would never do anything like that (I also, when told what the defenition of a virgin was at five years old was shocked to find out that my mother was not one. Go figure, but she swears that is the day that I removed her from her pedestal) I also said that if some guy came up to me and used that he was and extra in Twilight as a pick up line I would be like, "who really gives a shit?" I called her pathetic.

What I really wanted to say, but didn't want to be too much of an asshole on the radio is that Nancy is a great example of what is wrong with our society today.

I am dead serious.

Look, before I go on, I am aware that there are women who end up with younger men. I am not judging dating a younger guy, as much as I am judging giving away your vagina for free because a guy, who probably banged your daughter with the same line, told you some crazy bullshit story.

Now I will continue.

IF I WERE NANCY this shit would have never went down. I don't give a damn if Robert Pattinson himself came up to me, you don't just do that! I know that 99% of us have in the past made stupid mistakes, but you learn from them, and by the age of 40 I hope to hell that you will have learned the lesson by then. Especially if you are a mother. Come on, be a grown up.

Nancy, you are a pathetic loser. These are your rules to follow from now on when it comes to your vagina.

1. You are not allowed to bone your daughter's friends, aqaintances, co-worker etc.
2. You are not allowed to be in the same catagory as STOOOPID young girls who fall for pickup lines from douchebags.
3. You are not allowed to show your vagina to anyone who is not old enough to purchase alchohol.

Nancy you are guilty of all these offenses. What do you have to say for yourself? For your punishment you must do the following:

• delete any myspace or facebook page you may have.
• you must stop treating your daughter like she is your friend.
• you are not allowed to wear anything that reads BEBE across the chest or JUICY across the butt.

That last rule should really apply to everyone...

Nancy, do you realize that slutty people like you and possibly your daughter are the reason that women like me have to work a million times harder to have men respect us and not just try to get into our pants? Do you realize that everytime you casually give up your vagina you are validating to all men out there that all of us women will do the same? And why are you going to get mad at this guy for tricking you? That's what guys do! They try to get some whenever they can. When I was 13 my dad had a "sex" talk with me. It was about thiry seconds long. Do you know what he said? "Guys think about sex all the time. Guys are ready to have sex all the time. If the wind blows, they're ready."

I didn't really understand what he meant at the time, but I figured it out pretty quick. Nancy, my dad is correct. If you and all the other vagina giver-outers would stop being so quick to give out the goods men would have to try harder, they would have to actually get to know a woman before she shared. Stop allowing men to behave this way ladies, and maybe they will stop making up lame ass ways to try and get some.

And by the way, I think that this stations morning show is cool too now.

It's finally that time again!!!!

I love, love LOVE Harry Potter, and the last book was spectacular. I am so excited to see it come to life on film, and am also thrilled that they have broken it into two movies. For one reason, it gives me another movie to look forward to, but mostly because there is entirely too much going on to shorten it into one. So kudos to the studio heads on making that decision. The first part will be in theaters November of this year, and the second will be in July of 2011.

Ok, came across this randomly and thought it was adorable...Sort of got a little verklempt in the end too. Guess I'm not all jaded yet.

For Father's Day I went and hung out with "The Big Chief." i.e. my dad. Why do I call him, The Big Chief? Because many moons ago when I was around five years old my dad told me to do something. When I argued with him and asked why I should have to listen to him he simply responded, "Because I'm the big chief, and you're the little indian." Way to really tell me dad. Let's just say that my liberal mother didn't really let that analogy stick.

You see, my dad is pretty much the human version of Calvin's dad from the Calvin and Hobbes cartoons. It's not that he doesn't know that answers, but sometimes I think he thought that the questions I would ask were ridiculous so he would just go with it. My dad is smart, let's not get any wrong idea's here, it's just that he got stuck with a beautiful, talented awesome kid (moi) that happened to ask a few too many questions.

So anywho...

My dad wants to go to Jamba Juice and the bookstore. So I'm like sure, ok. Then he says that he wants to take the dog. I felt we shouldn't. I told him that I don't think that Mr Darcy is going to be very welcomed in either of those places. But my dad is insistant that we take him, and by this point Mr Darcy has heard that he gets to go and starts getting all worked up and wheezing like a little boy with asthma who didn't get picked dead last for a dodgeball team, so I can't say no now. Basically, the little prince comes with us, and when we get there he refuses to jump out of the car because he knows that I will carry him. So I'm carring 17 pounds of white marshmellow fluff in 100 degree weather, and we walk into Jamba Juice.

"You can't have that dog in here."

"Dude, I'm just reading your menu and then I'm leaving."

No response, turns and walks to the back.

I think this is the first time in history that this dog has been rejected. I honestly have took him into numerous establishments, and never once had anyone say anything other than, "OMG!!! THAT IS THE CUTEST DOG EVER!!!" Seriously, I think about buying a bus and traveling around the country with him to promote friendship and goodwill. It's like he shits joy. People can't get enough of him. I mean look at him...who wouldn't love this guy?

But whatever, so I'm outside drinking death in a cup for diabetics with my dad. We decide to head to the book store so he can get a book about something Civil War related. My dad is totally pro American, so I think that the Civil War is his favorite war because it was America against America. No matter what America was always winning.

Again, I am carrying the dog.

We walk in, and my dad finds the book in about 2.5 seconds, goes to the register and starts to buy the book. The little 19 year old Asian girl makes the mistake of asking him what his phone number is.

Dad "Why the Hell do you need to know that?"

Me "It's to see if you have a rewards card dad, it's not for Big Brother."

19 year old Asian girl "Um, well, for health code purposes you can't have the dog in here."

Me "He's my guide dog."

19 year old Asian girl "Oh...ok."

Dad "What did she just ask?" (have I mentioned my dad has really bad hearing? He does.)

Me silence...

Dad "Is she serious? I'm buying the freaking book and she says something now?"

Me "dad, it's fine."

Dad "that is retarded."

19 year old Asian girl silence...fear in her eyes.

Me "DAD!"

We leave with my dad ranting a little. I remind him that I told him we shouldn't have brought the dog with us. He insists that he takes him everywhere and never has a problem. I express the fact that the two places we tried to go today both told us to go to Hell with our little puppy, but that he doesn't need to be so cranky and that he almost made the little Asian girl cry and is that what he wants?

He response, "Yes"

Love you dad, you're the crankiest Big Chief I know, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

 

So, I had a dream that Kate Gosselin died the other night. It was a very realistic dream too. I remember that in it I was thinking, "Oh man, those poor kids have to be raised by their douche bag dad now...bummer."

It was also one of those dreams where I didn't think about it when I woke up, but then the next morning as I was reading my E News Daily via my phone I saw something about Kate Gosselin and her performance on the last episode of DWTS. (for those of you unfamiliar, that stands for Dancing with the Stars, which is a ridiculously corny concept that actually became a major success. Weird.) So I see this article and am like, "Oh shit! She's NOT dead." I actually totally thought she was dead. I mean, I was actually confussed for a second there like, wait a minute...didn't she die? Then I felt this wave of relief that she was alive, which lasted for about 5 seconds, and was immediatly replaced with a feeling of ughhhhh, because then I was thinking, "Oh man, those poor kids have to be raised by their douche bag mom now...bummer"

Seriously, it's gotten a little ridiculous. I don't know how this woman has managed to stay in the spotlight for so long. How is she even on DWTS? She's not a star, she's a lady. A lady who happened to house six babies in her uterus at one time. I don't care about her. And I really don't care about whether or not she learns how to cha cha cha.

I don't watch the show regularly, but I happened to stop by my mom's house the other night (Why do I do that?!?! I always say, "I'm going to my mom's" or "I'm headed to my dad's" No wonder everyone thinks my parents are divorced...I act like the two don't even live together.) But anyway, I was over at MY PARENTS house, and my mom loves the show, so I watched it with her. I love that America voted off Buzz Aldrin, a war hero and the second man to walk on the moon, yet they vote to keep Kate Gosslin. Seriously, there is something wrong with our society.

You know who I would want to see on that show? Remember the guy who played Jake in the movie Sixteen Candles? You know, the guy Molly Ringwald's character had a crush on, and then he shows up at her sister's wedding and gives her a birthday cake...you know who I am talking about. Where did he ever even go anyway? He was adorable. ABC, go find him, then I'll watch your show.

So....this weekend we went to go get sushi. I say we should try this place called Rock n Roll Sushi.

Sounds like a cool place, right?

Wrong.

Rock n Roll Sushi was not rocking, and it definatly wasn't rolling any sushi because get this....

5 minutes after the waitress takes our order she comes back to the table and says,

"we ran out of fish, so as of this moment we don't have anymore fish."

Say what?!?

Letter to parents

Think of this as a small PSA.

Parents of small children, please PLEASE understand that even though your child might be cute and adorable in your eyes does not mean that I am smitten by them. I do not know all the cute things they say and all the fun tricks that you have taught them to perform. I only know what I see, and I do not like it.

I do not like going to a store and having you push a cart that is empty except for the fact that you have three children piled in it. Do not walk down the shoe asile in TJ Maxx and expect me to move. I was there first, wait until I leave, or go around me the other way.

I do not enjoy hearing your child scream at a decibel so high that it makes me want to stab out my eardrums to make the noise stop. I will get a disgusted look on my face and tell your child to be quiet. If you don't like it, boo-hoo...tell you're kid to shut up.

When I am standing in line at Starbucks I don't want your children running around me like I'm the mulberry bush. I also do not like them standing close enough to me that if I move a half an inch they will be touching me. I don't like children bumping into me. I don't know if they have been bathed lately and if or if not they have been rolling around in dirt, or if they are infected with lice.

I do not want to have to manuver around your stroller/mini cooper (because that is the size of strollers these days.)

The only public place I will give your child a break is the grocery store. People need food to survive. Other than that, if you have a noisey or dirty child, leave them at home. No babysitter? Stay home with them, give them a bath and teach them how to be quiet. Maybe even throw in some sign language, they less I hear the better.

Shout out to all my parents that keep their kids in check. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Ana, Jackie, Dena, Jeanette, and I'm sure there are others I can't think of at the moment. Next time I see your kids, they're all getting a quarter for behaving.

Because apparently I've been "lagging"

I don't really have much to share at the moment. I apologize that my life might seem boring. I promise you it is not, but like my mother would say, I don't like to air out my dirty laundry in public. I keep certain things to myself. Besides, a little mystery never hurt anyone right? So instead, tonight you will get a hodgepodge of my thoughts over the last month or so.

First off...

The State of the Union/ the President/Chris Matthews/Sarah Palin/whatever else comes to my mind on this subject.

Ok, so I didn't vote for our current president. I know, big surprise. I'll give you a minute to process that.

Le Sigh...

When Obama was elected I was furious. Not at him, but at my counrty. I felt annoyed as someone who has been involved with politics and had trecked my ass to the voting booths for years, be bombarded by people who have never cared suddenly feel the urge to pick up a ballot and check a man's name without really knowing anything about his platform. In this last local election I would bet a million greek dollars that those same people didn't even know who was running for city council. I am angry at the way this county treats this man, who has yet to do anything but talk a lot. I am angry that this man's vice president, who is such a douche bag had the nerve to say that the Iraq War is going to be, "One of Obama's greatest achivements." Excuse me? You make me want to punch you repeatedly in the jugular Mr. Biden. Are you retarded???


I am very optimistic about -- about Iraq. I mean, this could be one of the great achievements of this administration. You're going to see 90,000 American troops come marching home by the end of the summer. You're going to see a stable government in Iraq that is actually moving toward a representative government. 

The status of forces agreement with Iraq that negotiated the troop withdrawl that Biden is referencing was done by the Republican Bush administration.

Both Obama and Biden were against more U.S. troops being sent out in 2007, which is credited for helping create the stability that  is needed for U.S. troops to leave Iraq. In fact both Obama and Biden felt that sending more troops in '07 would hinder not help the effort in Iraq, yet they were wrong and are now taking credit for what the Bush administration put together. Interesting.

By the way, how's everyone's free health care going? Right...

I didn't watch the State of the Union. I didn't want to throw up in my mouth or get angry and throw my remote control at the wall. I'm trying to be less aggressive. So what pissed me off about the State of the Union is what MSNBC commintator Chris Matthews said about it. He said he was so moved or whatever by The President's speech that he, "forgot Obama was black."

So inapproproite. Yet this man still has a job, but again, I would bet a million greek dollars that if Bill O'Reilly had said the same EXACT thing, with the same EXACT explanation of why he said it people would be screaming for his head on a platter. I call bullshit.

On to Sarah Palin. I just love her. She is the cutest thing since sliced bread. I just wish she'd hire a speech coach. And when I mean speech coach I mean someone to help her get ride of that damn Alaskan accent she has. It's fucking annoying. Do I think she'll ever be president? No, but I still have mad love for her. And Press Secretary Gibbs is a jerk for making fun of my girl and her notes written on her hand. I do that all the time dude, and that just proves that Sarah is a multitasker like moi. Sometimes when inspiration comes to you there isn't time to look for a piece of scratch paper.

Can we talk about Anderson Cooper for just a second? Why does he have to be gay?!? The fact that he will neither deny or confirm this as fact leaves me a small thread of hope to cling to, because even in all his liberalness he is my soul mate.

Next subject....

Super bowl commercials



I really liked this one. I felt it was really a nice message of making the right decision for you. As GOP as I am I am pro-choice. That's what this whole life is about. Making choices. When we take that away from people than we are no better than Castro and Cuba. Part of making that choice is getting to see both sides of the picture, I think that this commercial did a good job of sharing one woman's decision. For some reason feminists around the nation felt this was an example of violence againt women. To the women who are complaining about this one, SHUT UP.



All I can say about this one is that I thank Baby Jesus every night that we don't live in a world like the one depicted in this commerical. Nuff said.





I heart Betty White!!!! Golden Girl fan for Life!!!!

On the same note, I am so glad that the Super Bowl is over...I don't like football. Viva La Red Sox!!!

I also noticed something as of late. When did the music I listened to as a teenager become retro? I was driving somewhere and the radio said it was retro in the metro and then procceded to play a song that came out when I was a senior in high school. Erroneous!!!!

A song that came out when I was a senior in high school is not "retro"

A song that came out when my parents where seniors in high school is.

I feel bad for this new generation though. When I was in middle school and high school we had good music. All around the board too. We had Weezer and Smashing Pumpkins and Tupac and Biggie and Mac Dre. What does this generation have? Retards that take songs from when I was young and remix them until you can barely recognize it and say to yourself, "hey! is that Tom Petty's Freefalling as the hook for this hip hop song???" It's bullshit.

Which brings me to John Mayer.

Dude, what's wrong with you? You are actually a gifted artist, that cranks out songs I can actually sing along with. You are pretty smokin' hot, and you totally were boning Jennifer Aniston. You're life seems pretty awesome so why, WHY do you say stoopid things?

Celeberty rule of thumb...never EVER say the N word in an interview.

Life rule of thumb...never EVER say the N word in an interview.

It's just not cool.

You are retarded John Mayer.

This concludes my rant for the evening. I hope you all enjoyed it, I know I did.

Remembering J.D. Salinger

J.D. Salinger passed away last Friday. I was so busy being a phony, going out, working, buying paint, being your typical grownup, that I didn't find out until today.

I don't usually get upset when it comes to death, especially with celebrites. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I guess I know better. But Mr. Salinger's death has come at a time in my life where I feel as if I am about to choose the path I must walk down the rest of my life, which has left me with a feeling of uneasiness.

I feel in the midst of phonies everywhere. It's as if I cannot escape it, and I try to fight it, but that never brings me satisfaction. My fear is to become one of them, but my bigger fear is to not.

Salinger only published one novel, but I believe that is because he could not beat perfection.

When I was 16 I told my mom I wanted to find Salinger. I knew that if I did he wouldn't mind talking to me. How could he? I know Holden Caulfield. I could have been him at times I felt. I envied him, but mostly I loved him.

I never did find Salinger. I never even tried, but I always like thinking about it. I think I'm glad I never did, because now I can always imagine what might have happened if I had, and most of the time what you imagine happening is much better than reality itself.

I think The Onion did the best eulogy...

In this big dramatic production that didn't do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who was 91 years old for crying out loud. "He had a real impact on the literary world and on millions of readers," said hot-shot English professor David Clarke, who is just like the rest of them, and even works at one of those crumby schools that rich people send their kids to so they don't have to look at them for four years. "There will never be another voice like his." Which is exactly the lousy kind of goddamn thing that people say, because really it could mean lots of things, or nothing at all even, and it's just a perfect example of why you should never tell anybody anything.

Story of one of the worst husbands in history...and it's all true!!!

I have to share about this super awesome documentary that I watched this weekend called Crazy Love.

It starts out in New York City in 1957, and this man Burt meets this woman named Linda. Burt is instantly drawn to her. She's young and beautiful and pretty much the bomb diggity. Burt looks like a schmuck, but is a lawyer and has oodles of money, owns a nightclub and his own plane, therefore Linda is smitten, and they start a relationship. The problem is that Burt is already married. Apparently he didn't take his wedding vows too seriously, because he liked to hop around from girl to girl. All before Linda though. Once he met her all the other women were scum on his shoes. Linda was the bee's knees to Burt.

But Linda found out that Burt was married. He tried to stall her with fake divorce documents, and took her house hunting, all that jazz. Meanwhile, his wife Francine had given birth to a mentally handicap little girl.

Well finally Linda catched on that Burt is never going to actually divorce his wife and she leaves him. Burt goes balistic.He hires people to throw rocks at her window so she'll be afraid and come back to him. That doesn't work, so he hires people to beat her up so she'll be afraid and come back to him. Doesn't work. Throughout all this Linda continually goes to the police for help in vain. They do nothing to stop Burt's antics.

Linda decides to go to Florida for a month with a girlfriend and her family. There she meets Larry, and they fall in love. They go back to New York and they get engaged. Burt finds out and is basically pissed. He tries to kill Linda, but doesn't have the guts.

Burt hires a man who then goes to Linda's house and tells her he has a wedding gift for her. Her mother tells her to come to the door and when she does the man throws lye in her eyes, blinding her. She's blind. Her eyes are super messed up crazy looking and she has to wear dark glasses to hide them. She has some vision, but not much.

Burt goes to prison. Larry leaves Linda.

After fifteen years in prison Burt is parolled. He goes on a local news interview. On that interview he says he still loves Linda and wants to marry her.

Linda's friends somehow get Burt and Linda in the same room. He proposes. She marries him.

Years later Burt is charged with sexual assault and threatening violence on a woman he cheated on Linda with. He is aquitted at the trial, but admits to the affair.

Linda stands by Burt's side through the whole thing. They have been married for over thirty-five years.

***Sigh****

Let me get this straight. This man lies about being married, and then blinds you when you try to move on with your life, then you still marry him years later. He cheats on you with another woman and has to go to trial for it, and you still stand by him and call him a wonderful husband? Lady, I thought I dated a lot of douche bags, but Burt takes the cake. He is by far one of the worst husbands in the history of husbands.

This goes to show how women crack though. If a man is persistant enough, eventually the woman will break down. I say no way jose. We women have to stick to our guns. Even though I don't have a guy throwing acid in my eyes, I still put up with a lot of bullshit. And for what? What is it that I'm holding out for here? Why do I hold on to someone who doesn't try to hold on to me? More on that later...maybe.

Ladies, lets try not to marry guys like Burt. Guys, try not to throw acid in a woman's face just because she left you.

Linda and Burt before any acid flinging...

Linda after the incidnet..

When they first got back together...

Burt and Linda today.

If my life were a song, it would be this song.

the Blanket, 2.0 version

OMJ!!!

Move over Snuggie, cause there's a new sherrif in Comfy Town. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about the Nuddle.

"What's a Nuddle?" you ask...well let me tell you. The Nuddle is short for nap and cuddle, which as a start I love much better than Snuggie. I mean, who doesn't like to nap and who doesn't like to cuddle? I for one enjoy both, either separately or together, so anything that can give me both in one sitting has my name written all over it. I can't even think of what Snuggie really means. I'm thinking there is a snuggle involved, but what else? Why settle for a snuggle when you can have a cuddle AND a nap.

Now let's get down to the nitty gritty of the matter.

Exhibit A: the Snuggie

FIRST OF ALL, this woman isn't even reading a REAL book. Where is the title? I have a problem with this, but that is niether here nor there.

Sure, Ms. Snuggie looks pretty cozy, but let's take a look at Exhibit B: the Nuddle.

Ms Snuggie has her body covered and warm, but she has no pockets to put the remote control or a spare cookie or two. This is a problem that the Nuddle has solved with holes for the arms, but they went one step further to add a kangaroo type pocket. Some might use it to keep their hands warm, I would go with the cookie holder method myself, but different strokes...

The Nuddle is also awesome because it has gone where no other blanket has gone before. It has a built in foot pocket! I know right?!? Having long legs myself, I always find my feet being neglected by blankets. Praise be to the Nuddle for making a solution to this before my toes fall off from frostbite.

Now I have to also list the cons of the incredible Nuddle.

The cost of the Nuddle is $68. You could walk into Walmart and get a Snuggie for you, your mother and your mother's dog for under that price. Plus, the Nuddle only comes in Pottery Barn type colors. It's hard to be obnoxious in anything in a color called midnight, or latte.  If I'm basically wearing a wizard's cloak, I'd rather it be zebra print or pepto-bismol pink.

But then I remember that the Nuddle is a cuddle and a nap in one, and you can't beat that, so the Nuddle it is!

When I was a little girl, before all my OCD tendancies were mistaken for kooky behavior I remember that I liked everything to be in it's place. I didn't like things to be crooked, or off balance. One day when my mom pulled a sheet of cookies out of the oven, she sort of just threw it on the counter. One corner was hanging off of the counter, basically the sheet of cookies was sitting at an odd angle. I was old enough to know better, yet I reached out and grabbed the corner to straighten out the cookie sheet, immediatly burning my hand. As I yelped in pain my mother asked, "What the hell did you do that for? You saw me pull that out of the oven...."

I couldn't help it, something deep inside drove me to put my hand on the hot metal, I had to fix it, and it didn't matter that I would be burned.

I'm still burning myself on cookie sheets today, if by cookie sheets we're talking about Batman.

I know that I'm going to get burned, but I can't help it, I keep reaching out and grabbing the hot metal.

How lucky am I to have such pretty friends?

I find it amusing that I always feel the most blessed when my life is in more of a low point, when things aren't necessarily going how I'd like them to.

But maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Maybe when we need to remember the most, we really think about all the things that we should be thankful for.

I feel slightly silly for having so much and taking it for granted, so tonight I am counting my blessings. I might not be able to change the way that people perceive certain things, but I can continually work on ways to walk the path that I believe is true. I can try harder to lead by example, silently. I can smile hoping that might slightly crack other's harden hearts.

I can work hard for the things that I want. I can sigh a deep breath that I know what it is I want to work hard for. I can sleep easily knowing that I can change my mind if I want to.

I can be reminded that everyone makes mistakes, even me. I can remember how it feels when I do make a mistake and have compassion for other's and their own faults.

I am allowed to love, even if what I love hurts me. I am allowed to find a love that loves me back. It is entirely my choice.

I can make the memories today that will bring a smile to my face 50 years from now.

In 24 hours I'll be in the most awesome, awful, beautiful, nasty, spectacular place on earth. That's right, I'll be in Vegas with some of the craziest girls I know.

I'm pretty much crushing on Michael Cera right now...

**sigh**

After living with little Gilda for a few years I've come to realize that the cartoons kids have today suck. Here's a throwback to some of the cartoons I used to love, love love! Anyone remember...

A couple of days ago I was leaving my parents house and this lady walked by with three of the most adorable baby faced miniature pomeranians. Three words...I WANT ONE.

Can we talk about my new Betsey Johnson purse for a second? You could pick this up at a department store for $348 (not including tax), or....

You could pick it up at TJ Maxx for $140 (that's including tax) like I did.

I also want to talk about these super cute shoes that I'm thinking I need to pick up for the spring/summer...

How patriatic will my feet look in these! I can't wait for all the "day" holidays...you know, Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July day.

Where's my free mumu?

So the January issue of V magazine is featuring a spread where two women model the exact same clothes in the exact same posses, except one is a "standard" model and the other is a "plus" size model. The point is to show that high end fashion can look good on "healthy" women. Kudos for them yada yada yada, but hold the phone, I'm still looking for the plus size model. I see two women, one is very thin and the other is more curvy but I don't see any plus size model. Wait, oh that girl on the right is the plus size model?

HUH....

Um, did I just get called plus sized, because I pretty much look like the model on the right. Did I miss something, because when I walk into Macy's or Nordstrom and grab something from the rack it usually has a little M on the tag. The dress I wore to work today was an 8, so when in the hell did I become plus sized? I know I need to lose around 20 lbs but man, talk about a blow to the self esteem. If I lost the twenty pounds I'd resemble the girl on the left, so I'm confussed. I'm either "emaciated" (which is what the article called the girl on the left) or I'm "healthy" (the word used to describe the plus-sized model on the right.)

I don't know what to think at this point, society has got me so screwed up. With all the EAT THIS, NOT THAT shit and maple syrup/cyan pepper concoctions people are choking down it's a wonder this world is a mess. What has happened to us women? When did we decide that we needed to be cut up, sucked in and barbie doll molded instead of the soft beautiful creatures we are supposed to be. ****SIDE NOTE...IF YOU ARE AN ATHLETE, DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, YOU HAVE A TOTAL DIFFERENT MINDSET WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR BODY, SO I FORGIVE YOU FOR HAVING A BETTER SIX PACK THAN MOST OF THE MEN I'VE EVER DATED. YOU DO YOUR THING****

I don't want to say it, but I have to put some blame on Madonna. Her and her damn super yoga intense ridiculous workout regimens at age 50. What the hell are you doing to us Madge???? Look at your arms!!!! It's no wonder Guy Richie left you, shit I worship you and I would leave you if I had to wake up to those arms every morning. Please excuse me while I go pray for forgivness for speaking so ill of the Material Girl herself, even though it's the truth. Take a look for yourself while I'm gone...

.....Okay, I'm back! You understand what I mean by now right? I read an article a few months back and they were interviewing January Jones, who plays Betty Draper in Mad Men. She was saying that she has to be careful how much she works out because the producers like her to look feminine, how most women looked in the 1960's (the era which the show is set.)

Ms. Jones looks awesome, yes she is slender, but that is her body type. She probably couldn't get plump if she tried, God bless her. Speaking of slender, I wish people would use that description instead of skinny. Skinny just seems so crude to me. It's almost the same as calling someone fat. I remember when I was around 11 years old I was friends with this girl. She had a good fifty pounds on me, and seeing that I'm not the most -all together now- slender girls ever that means she was chubby. Her little brother on the other hand was the complete opposite. He was like a bean pole. Well, one day we were all in the car going somewhere and my friend was teasing her brother, calling him skinny boy and chicken legs. He took it for about 5 minutes, asking her to stop, that he didn't appriciate her comments. When she didn't let up he glared at her and said, "Whatever, fat girl."

Oh man did he get in trouble! Her mom got so mad at him, but I never understood why he got in trouble and she didn't. I've never forgotten that incident, and it bothers me that in our society it is less frowned upon to make fun of someone who is underweight than it is to make fun of someone who is overweight. Do people feel that the ones on the smaller end of the scale don't have their own personal body issues? You can't tell me that they don't, everyone does. How do I know that? Because we are all our own biggest critics.

We are harder on ourselves than anyone else. When we start to appriciate and love ourselves even with our flaws, skinny or fat ones, our lives will become much more satisfying. The energy we put out worrying how society views us is ridiculous. I believe we were sent to this earth to receive a body. I can just see Heavenly Father shaking his fist at us for being so judgemental of our bodies. Like if my mom were to buy me an expensive purse and I just threw it on the ground like it's nothing. She probably put a lot of effort into picking out that purse for me, yet when she gives it to me I treat it as if it's not special. Our Heavenly Father gave us our bodies, and he also put much love and consideration into them. So why do we treat them as if they are not special?

I have been slender, I've even been skinny. It was gross. I weigh the most I've ever weighed, but I do not dislike myself. If I laid off the beer I could get rid of my belly I've got going on and I would be completly satisfied. I am healthy, and if society wants to call that plus-sized than so be it. Since that's what they want to call me do I get a free mumu or something? No? Damn, I guess I'll just keep on rocking my regular size M clothes...but I leave you with this quote from Christina Hendricks, who also stars in Mad Men as Joan Holloway.

To all the slender and curvy women I know, you all look foxy to me....I'll see you ladies at the gym, or the bar**wink wink**