Diary of a Sick Woman

Yesterday I woke up at 2am with a sore throat and my entire body aching. It was like I had ran a marathon but someone forgot to tell me, and the only way I knew was by the excruciating pain in all of my muscles. I got out of bed and took a look at my throat. Way back behind my uvula was my tonsils, all red and swollen with little white puss thingys on them. Great. I went to the kitchen and made some tea, and watched two episodes of South Park. Side note: if you haven't seen the episode when Butters becomes a kissing pimp, please check it out. You know what I am saying?
When I woke up the next morning I could barely move and my throat was worse than before. I called the doctor to make an appointment. All I could think of was that I had gotten H1N1. I had been so insistant on not getting a flu shot that God was punishing me by not only giving me the flu, but the SWINE flu at that.
I got to Kaiser early and the lady that checks you in told me I needed to wear a mask. Side note #2: the lady at the reception desk for my doctor is a B-I-T-C-H. She's one of those ladies who I would bet money was a groupie for Gun's n Roses back in the day. She's never been one of my favorite people. When she told me I needed to wear a mask I looked around the reception room. There were around 10 people and none of them were wearing a mask.
"Why do I have to wear a mask if no one else is?" I casually asked.
"Because they aren't sick" she answered with a smirk.
I glared at her as I grabbed a mask, but I refused to actually put it on. I highly doubt that all those people in the waiting room were as healthy as a horse. If they didn't want to get sick, then they could put a mask on for all I cared.
The nurse called me back pretty quick, I don't know if the front desk lady stopped daydreaming about Axel Rose before botox long enough to notice my maskless face and nark on me, but all I know is that I wasn't in that waiting room long.
By the grace of God the nurse did not weigh me. That was the last thing I needed to see right now. I'm already fighting a slight depression as it is, no need to add to it by showing me that I haven't lost any weight.
So now I'm in the exam room. I have ten minutes until my actual appointment time. My doctor is on maternity leave, so I am seeing someone I have never met. 10 minutes go by, no doctor. 10 more minutes, still no doctor. Finally, 30 minutes after my scheduled appointment time has come and gone I open the door to see what the deal is. I ask the first nurse I see if maybe, the doctor forgot about me. The nurse looked at me like I had a third eye and said, "No one has forgotten you, the doctor just had an emergency patient is all."
Oh...an emergancy patient. Isn't there a place where people go in case of an emergency and they don't have a scheduled visit with their regular doctor? What's that place called? That's right, the EMERGENCY ROOM, which lucky for this Kasier just finished being built this last year and was up and running as I was standing in that exam room. Jesus, I was irritated at this point.
So I finally see the doctor. She was very nice. She said it seemed as if I had strep throat, that no I did not have H1N1. She stuck that huge q-tip thing down my throat, made me take it to the lab and told me to call back to see if I indeed had strep throat. When the test came back positive I went to the pharmacy to pick up my antibiotics.  The girl at the pharmacy took my information and then looked me in the eye and said, "What is it we're giving you today?"
You've got to be kidding me! I felt like saying, "Yes, I'll be picking up cocaine today." What the hell? Instead I looked her in the eye and said, "I don't know, what does it say on your screen right there?"
I got my amoxicillin and went to my mom's house, where she took care of me. The vicodin I made the doctor give me helped too. I felt better when I got home, and fell asleep at 6:30 in the evening while watching season 1 of Charles in Charge from Netflix.
The next day I got up, had no voice still, but got ready for work anyway. The minute I got there they sent me home. Apparently no one likes to work with a girl with strep throat. Hmmmm. I came home, got into bed and watched movies all day. Around 4pm Batman called me to see how I was doing. I whispered I was fine, and he told me that he felt bad and would go pick up stuff to make me feel better, but he lived too far. Coming from him, that was very thoughtful. Trust me.
I feel like I haven't seen the real world in months, and it's only been two days...aaaaahhhhhh, I'm starting to get cabin fever. Plus, I'm hungry. All I've had in two days is soup and tea. I want something yummy.
I miss my voice, I didn't know how much I liked it until it went away. I promise when it comes back I will respect it more, I will only use it to say nice things, and I won't talk about liberals in such a mean way anymore. Well, at least for a little while I won't. I should look at the bright side, at least I don't have the swine flu, right?